Why Is My Tongue Blue and Fuzzy?

I like tequila. I like tequila way too effing much.

I also can understand having alcohol-induced blackouts. I'm so used to them it's almost laughable. I've woken up in strange beds, strange cars, even sewers. I've woken up without underwear, wearing other people's clothes, shaved and even smelling like onions.

This, though, is a bit weird. My tongue is blue. And fuzzy. I actually had to used a hair brush to scrub it off. This only worked a little bit. The rest -peeled- off after gargling for ten minutes.

What the hell did I eat?

Oh my God. I hope it's not in my stomach...

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I have been good all year. I never did coke without being drunk first. I only had sex with people my parents would disapprove of. I never spit on a customer unless his back was turned. See? I've been real good.

So I think I should get real stuff this year, not a effing sweater or a CD I never heard of. Actually, Santa, YOU haven't gotten me anything since I was ten and figured out it was Mom and Dad putting the tree and all that other shit up Christmas Eve, so I think you owe me.

Here's what I want:

A gun. I promise to use it irresponsibly and only in the heat of the moment and I won't kill anyone you'll miss.

Money. Could you arrange it so an armored truck crashes in front of me with nobody else around? Lots of cash in the open back, too.

A new nose stud. The old one is kind of oozey and it doesn't clean off well.

Thanks, Santa. You and the Mrs. have a good one too. Spank her one for me. It'll get her hot, trust me. ;-)

Love,
Me.